Camera issues: part one million

Rather than re-explain the situation, I’m just going to post the email I sent to Bud this morning. Enjoy.

Subject: Remember when you broke my camera?


Nice weather finally, isn’t it?

In other news, the diaphragm on your lens is puckered tighter than Rozie’s homophobic coworker’s ass at a San Francisco bathhouse.

(I solicited help for that one, btw. I was going to go with “…a drug mule’s ass at a TSA checkpoint”.)



I was taking pictures of the peacocks at Beacon Hill Park. Thought, “Wow, this is such a great lens!” after seeing how a couple of the shots turned out. Then I found some herons near one of the lakes. Again, so far, so good. Then, one of the herons flew from his little treetop perch from my right to a tree on my left. I thought to myself, “Self, I should use this camera and great lens to take several photographs of this bird as it flies across my view.”


“Let’s see if any of those photographs turned out, shall we? Hmm…none of them turned out, as I didn’t have a fast enough shutter speed set when it decided to get up and fly, but the last shot of the bunch looks way darker than the others. How odd. Oh well, let’s continue…”

*aims at next birdy subject*

“That’s odd…it seems quite dark through the viewfinder, as if it’s suddenly dusk instead of a sunny 6pm…maybe I changed a setting…”

*checks all settings…all is well on the camera end of things*

“How peculiar…I shall change lenses to troubleshoot this minor anomaly.”

*changes lens to one of mine…no problems*
*changes back to yours…still dark*


I changed every possible setting, but nothing would lighten the image, both in the viewfinder and the resulting image itself. It also was being very fussy trying to autofocus…as in…it wouldn’t really succeed at all.

When I brought it to work, I did a bunch of internetting and that led me to check out the diaphragm/aperture blades. I popped off both caps…sure enough, the opening is as tiny as possible…and it ain’t moving.

So…time for the good newses:

1. The glass is all fine
2. Whatever is screwing up is internal, meaning *crosses fingers that there’s some kind of warranty* it would be a covered defect
3. I have 100% proof that it wasn’t my fault…

I’m attaching two photos – the final two shots from that burst. Like I said, neither one turned out at all, but you can clearly see the huge drop in light in the second shot. Check the file properties…both were taken at the same time: 6:02:21pm…meaning the lens broke while I was shooting! There’s no gap between photos where I could’ve dropped it, used it as an anti-bee weapon, etc. – HOORAY!

Yes, that’s truly all that matters…that I have proof it died on its own and I’m completely innocent. Well, not so much…the lens is still crippled. Wait…crippled…not dead? Yes, that’s right…the lens still “works”, however it’s essentially like shooting at F/32 constantly, which seems to also throw off the autofocus. Soooo…if you like a huge depth-of-field and manual focus, good news again!

Anyways, like I said, I did some internetting and found a couple tidbits for you.

So…as is custom when we break each other’s gear, my lenses are your lenses for the time being, even more than usual.

In closing, I blame the heron. A heron killed my turtle once…bit it’s head right off. Dodgy bastards, I tell ya.


When I put it back on his desk last night, I put a post-it note on it saying “I’ll just put this beside your other broken lens…” (he’s had another broken lens on his desk for a while).

I received two emails:

Subject: Post-It™ Notes aplenty

Broken lens: Yeah, yeah . . . I hope whatever you were doing worked for you.

19 minutes later

Subject: Re: Remember when you broke my camera?

Oh, shit. Your Post-It wasn’t joking. =)

Gotta go read some links.

Good times.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: